Thursday, November 9, 2017

Bartender! Another Insult Please! Part 1

Beckett Reed and Samiyo Datoru
Original Characters 
Written by Snarks 
Beginning March 2014

The bartender's name was Samiyo.  I had always been a collector of unusual names. and I'd never heard a name like that before so while I waited for my drink I asked him what nationality it was and what it meant.  He gave me a bland look and explained that his parents had been on crack when he'd been born and his mother had been trying to turn on the television, which was a Sanyo.  He served my drink with an angelic, sweet, gap-toothed smile, then turned away and began to wait on other customers.

I sat there at the bar, watching and listening as he served up drinks and insults with equal skill. I was astounded at how popular he was with the customers, even though nearly every word out of his mouth was an insult.  Idly I added up the cost of the drinks and the tips he was being given and realized he was making more per night in tips than he was making per hour.

A couple of twenty-somethings had been sitting at the bar, tossing back shots and spilling as much on the bar as they got into themselves.  Sam had tried to cut them off after the fifth time he wiped down the counter but the couple was having none of it.  The young woman ordered a frozen strawberry daiquiri and then complained that he'd made it too cold and she'd gotten a brain freeze, to which he replied, “Oh honey, in order to suffer a brain freeze you'd need an actual brain."

"You think you're some kind of comedian, don't you?"  Her irate boyfriend growled, leaning over the bar toward the dark-haired, mocha skinned creature that I had decided somehow would be mine.

"Oh honey, no!  Me?  A comedian?"  he asked, hands waving expansively.    “Thanks for the compliment but I couldn't possibly top the joke your parents made, ahhhh...I'd guess, twenty-three years ago?" Samiyo retorted, looking with great seriousness at the furious man sitting on the other side of the bar.

The now irritated patron ignored his girlfriend's pleas to let the matter go and leaned further across the bar in order to get in Samiyo's face.  "You leave my folks out of this you jackass!"  he said threateningly.

Samiyo shook his head sadly.  "Jackass?  Really?  Is that the best you can come up with?"  my Samiyo responded as he continued to take and fill customer orders.  Most of the customers were grinning and laughing, others got their drinks and left the bar area as quickly as they possibly could.  The man continued his, frankly, childish verbal abuse while Samiyo smiled and laughed with other patrons, fixing drinks with the ease of much practice.

"I'm talking to you, you f******!"  The very drunk and very angry man continued.  He hadn't noticed that his girlfriend had left the bar and was on the other side of the room, chatting cozily with two other guys.

"I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"  Samiyo asked languidly, as though just noticing that the man was there.

The man let out a string of expletive that I hadn't known existed in the English language.  In any civilized language for that matter, while my Samiyo leaned an elbow on the bar and nonchalantly propped his chin up with one fist while the man continued to verbally abuse the bartender who stared blankly, completely unaffected by the man's tirade.  He merely stood there in that attitude before the man finally realized he wasn't getting any response, and that the snarky bartender did nothing except stare.

"What is your problem, dickweed!?"  The customer asked.  "What the f*** are you staring at?"

"I just think it's so cute that you think I'm actually listening to you,"  Samiyo replied in the tone of one admiring a fuzzy kitten.

"That's it mother f*****!  Outside!  Now!  Your mouth is just a backed-up drain and I'm gonna plug it up with my fist.  Come on you f****** coward!!"

Samiyo simply cocked his head to the other side, examining the drunkard as though he were a fascinating specimen in a glass jar.

"What the f*** are you looking at!"  the man nearly screamed.  This was not the way he'd imagined that this fight was going to go.  He had to defend his reputation and get his girl back. 

"I'm just imagining you with a personality,"  Samiyo said quietly.  "You're quite a handsome man, really.  Why I'll bet you're the first one in your family to be born without a tail."  He replied in a voice that conveyed wonder and congratulations.  Sincerity oozed from every pore, as Samiyo continued to feign admiration.

"Hey, Sammy!"  yelled another patron,  “Come on man!  Suck his dick later.  I want my drink now!"

Sammy smiled and left the perplexed gentleman to work through his last words.

With that same friendly, disarming smile Sam mixed up the man's drink and poured it expertly and without spilling a drop, into a large glass with ice. "Be careful, Perry, you know what the doctor said about mixing drugs and alcohol."  Sam chided in a friendly voice.

"Pills!?  What pills?"  Perry demanded.

"Those penis enlargement pills you've been taking."  Sam answered glibly, "Oh, by the way, don't forget to tell the doctor how well they're working."

"What?" The man named Perry sputtered, thoroughly confused and looking around, embarrassed.

"Well, they must be doing something, hon, because you're a bigger dick than you were last week."  Samiyo smiled angelically.

"You sumbitch!"  Perry laughed.

Before he knew it, Sammy had mixed up two more identical drinks and placed them in front of Perry.  "Come on, Pere, you know I'm just kidding.  These are on me, take the edge off, eh?"  Sammy replied with a grin.

Perry would have forgiven a serial killer as long as he brought along a six-pack before time.

"Hey!"  yelled the drunken twenty-something who was completely unaware that his girlfriend had since walked out with one of the men she'd been talking to.  "Outside!  You and me!  Now!"

Samiyo looked at the man with pity in his eyes.  "Hon, I could hit you, but that would be considered animal abuse, and I'm a member of PETA."

The man began to lunge over the top of the bar, one hand reaching for Sam's shirt front and one cocked into a fist.

Before he knew it two of the bouncers who had been standing silently nearby, had him by the arms.

"Hey!  Wait! He can just go around insulting people and we're just supposed to take it?"

"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer,"  Sam replied, proudly.

"I want to talk to your manager!"  The man yelled, "I want to lodge a complaint!"

"Let him go, guys," Samiyo said as he took out a piece of paper and a pen. "The manager isn't here but you can write your complaint on this,"  Samiyo said as the man began to furiously scribble his message.  

It was at that point that Sam dropped the bomb. "Then you can fold it up and stick it up your ass." 

"How does an anti-social bastard like you keep a job!  Who are you sleeping with?"  The man demanded, slamming the pen down on the half-written note.

"I'm not antisocial, hon, I just don't like you.  Now, why don't you do us all a favor and grace us with the absence of your presence?  I'll be more than happy to call you a cab... among other things."

The twenty-something glowered at Samiyo, glanced to either side at the large, muscular bouncers and decided that leaving would be best.  He looked around for his girlfriend.  Not seeing her and muttering something that sounded like some pretty bad words, the man turned toward the door, staggering slightly.  The bouncers and Samiyo exchanged looks and a nod, as they escorted him to the side exit, rather than the entrance.

"Bartender," I called, "Another Mojito, please?"

When he brought the drink, I put one of my hands over his to keep him from leaving too quickly.  He glanced down at our hands but didn't try to remove his.  His hands were lean and long-fingered.  His hair looked as though he'd just rolled out of bed and come to work.  He had a dancer’s build, slender, cat-like. He moved like a cat, now that I thought about it.  I imagined what he must be like in bed.

"You really do come off as antisocial you know."

"Oh hon, I'm not, I'm sorry you go that impression.  No, I hate everyone equally. Race, religion and all that makes absolutely no difference to me."  He replied with a smile as he slipped his hand out from under mine.

"Wait!"  I called.

He came back, a curious expression on his face.  He looked at my untouched drink.  "Did you need something else?  More lime?"

"Your number,"  I said boldly, looking at his amber, almost leonine eyes which seemed both rounded and Asian at the same time.  He had thick, dark, upper and lower lashes that gave the impression that he was also wearing eyeliner.

"It's unlisted, hon."  He replied with another of his angelic, gap-toothed smiles.  I loved his teeth.  His lips were lush and looked eminently kissable beneath an aquiline nose.  The dimmed light of the bar highlighted his high cheekbones.  He had to have been the most beautiful man I'd ever seen.

"I'd like to take you out."  I insisted with a smile.  He certainly had a mouth on him but he was undeniably charming and very good looking.

"Oh, I can't this week, hon.  There's a marathon of my favorite commercial playing on television. I'd hate to miss it."

"Tonight.  At the end of your shift. Ten o'clock. I asked.  Meet me at the door."  I replied, I was smiling but my expression made it clear to him that I expected to see him.

Oddly enough he didn't seem to have a snarky come back to that.

I turned to leave and was stopped by a strangely childlike, only slightly snarky, uncertain voice which asked, "Are you going to tell me your name, at least?"  After that, he seemed to regain at least part of his sarcastic nature and asked.  "Or do I merely call you the Lone Ranger for now? Perhaps the Shadow?"

I turned back and smiled.  "Beckett.  Beckett Reed.  I'll see you at ten."


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